Faith and Fear

This has been a kind of weird season for me. I thought I would write about it because maybe it’s a weird season for you too?!? Or maybe writing about it will help me see things more clearly?!? {That happens sometimes.}

Lately I’ve kind of felt like a crazy person. Let’s be honest, we’re all a little crazy these days. {I blame Facebook.}

I’m two months in to a new season in life — settling into friendships, into a new neighborhood, into a new home, and ~~making~~ trying to make decisions about calling, purpose and vocation, or as most folks would say making a living. It’s a lot. A lot. The decisions are piling up and I keep praying for someone to come and direct traffic around me. {If you know someone with a bright orange vest and a flag, send them my way please.}

About now, if you run in the same circles I do, you’re probably wondering what my enneagram number is. Because THEN you’ll have a better understanding of my personality and my motivations. But y’all I CAN’T EVEN land on a number. {You’re thinking I’m a six because of the duality and reference to the word ‘fear’ in the title and of course because of my indecision. But you don’t hear the loud inner voice questioning each word I type — one. Or know how hard it is to get in touch with my feelings and needs even though yours seem to be crystal clear — two.}

For a doer, a decision maker, a builder, an achiever {nope – definitely not a three}, these seasons of transition or indecision are hard for me. I feel lost. Lost without a map. Lost without a map, a cell phone, and a travel buddy. Yesterday I scibbled this in a notebook before a meeting. Like maybe the answer would just divinely appear…..

“what do you do when you don’t know what to do?”

I guess that’s the question that’s haunting me right now.

I know all the spiritual answers.

You rest. You pray. You seek wise counsel. You serve. You trust. You have faith.

The practical answers are harder.

“what do you do when you don’t know what to do?”

You succumb to the fear and don’t get out of bed for days?!? You move anyway?!? You wait for clarity and direction?!?

{Okay, those answers are kind of spiritual too. I can’t help it I’m a spiritual and a practical person.}

But really…What do you DO?!?

So anyway, back to this season, this hard season, this season full of questions and devoid of real answers, this season of transition. This season of fear. This season of faith. Yep, you haven’t heard it yet but the faith is there too. That’s the crazy-making part. They way they co-mingle, the fear and the faith.

They are two loud voices in my head, constantly vying for my attention. One voice, full of faith. And the other, full of fear. I argue with them both. They argue with each other. I tell them to quiet down. {Yes, there’s lots going on up there.}

And most days when I get the slew of transition questions {“how’s nashville?” “what’s happening on the job front?”…} I spew out whatever garbage they’re selling, unfiltered — and it’s either real inspiring or a total trainwreck. But when I am real honest with myself and with others, neither voice feels completely believable, completely honest, completely complete.

The faith voice is too optimistic, too idealistic, too desperate for God to come and save the day. It says, “I’m just waiting for God to show me the next step. I know He will show me when I’m ready, when I’ve learned what I need to in this transition. It will all come together in the right time…”

The fear voice is too pathetic, too exhausting, too out of touch with the truth of my life — what has been and what will be. It says, “You need to make a plan. You need to get after something, anything. Time is running out. You shouldn’t have left…”

So…

Somedays it’s faith with a little fear.

Somedays it’s fear with a little faith.

Here’s hoping for more days of the faith with a little fear.

Tell me, can you relate? Or am I crazy-crazy?!?