Controlling That Which I Cannot Control

I tend to be a control freak. (more control than freak hopefully)

Although I’ve always longed to be seen as carefree, spontaneous, even happy-go-lucky, I am more aptly described as responsible, steady, even predictable. Nothing scares me more than losing my sense of composure.

So it makes it quite interesting when I do things that force a loss of control like taking anesthesia.

I have only had a few small surgeries where general anesthesia was required but each time it has made me crazy. From when the IV is administered until I am “out” there is this gap of time where I wanted to control the process of losing control.

I still feel the same. Is this working?

This better be working because I don’t do pain well. At all.

Am I making sense?

Will I remember this moment? What about this one? And this one? And this one?

Suddenly the meds kick in and the next thing I know, I awake on “the other side” groggy yet mended, wondering what exactly I had missed.

If I am honest this is how I feel about my impending trip to Guatemala in two weeks with Compassion International. (Can we talk about how crazy that it is only 14 days away?)

I know that I am going to be changed. I know that seeing poverty firsthand and God at work is going to do a number on me. But I am fighting with every fiber of my being to limit the experience, to predict how I will feel, to know what God will say to me, and to control how I will respond.

And so this song by Hillsong United has become my prayer:

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way (Arms Open Wide)